Thoughts on Self-forgiveness

I have come to truly admire religion's almost magic ability to facilitate people's self-forgiveness. A great example of this is the born-again experience or even something as simple as confession... from what I have observed, people who had wronged others and go through a religious ritual concerning being forgiven find it much easier to forgive themselves. I do not think secular people have anything that compares, or atleast I have not noticed it.

Many have little compassion for people who do wrong. I see no logical reason to hold that position. Everyone does things that are not right, and judging them for their trespasses does no good for anyone. We all have weaknesses and failings. Whether they acknowledge it or not, everyone is emotionally impacted in a negative way by their wrongs. Everyone is human so we are all deserving.

Forgiving oneself is much harder than forgiving others. The absence of self-forgiveness causes personal anguish that can adversely affect people's behavior, leading them to act out of this pain. This negative behavior can take many forms, usually providing only short-term relief while only adding to their long-term burden of guilt. Some behaviors I have noticed:

*people often try to belittle others to feel superior,
*hurt people so they don't feel alone in their pain
*being on-edge and easily roused to anger
*pushing people away - socially isolating behavior
*seeking attention through negative behavior
*when others expect negative things from someone, they react by conforming to that standard.
*identity shifting toward viewing oneself as a wrong-doer, reinforcing a cycle of pain
*feeling the necessity to act wrongfully to prove ones identity.

I think this and other similar behavior stems from the following emotions that run through people when they are saddled with a lack of self-forgiveness.

*Guilt
*Anguish
*Fear
*Anger, hatred
*Resentment
*Feeling isolated, and a fear of loneliness
*Social paranoid - expecting no one to like them
*A feeling of helplessness and like they are condemned for life.

The only way out of this that I can see is self-forgiveness. Making amends and seeking the forgiveness of those who one has wronged is, of course, essential in being able to forgive oneself. But usually this is just the beginning of the process. The pantheon of emotions above are powerfully strong and take serious effort to overcome. However, there is no way around it. People who do not forgive themselves end up adding the the cycles of pain that exist in our society and riddle their lives and the lives of people around them with difficulties.

This is why I always cringe when people say they won't help people because they aren't deserving. No one is an island, we are interconnected and refusing to forgive someone for their wrongs and help them actually just hurts society in general.

It seems to be a hidden trend in human culture, that when one person or a group of people harm others, they themselves are harmed as well, but in different ways. I see it in capitalism where the rich suffer a kind of horrid isolation and fear of loss of property while the poor struggle to survive. I see it in patriarchy where men suffer from a prison of false-emotionlessness and isolation while women are objectified and dehumanized. Wrongs by one party hurt everyone including themselves whether they realize it or not.

Forgiveness, self-forgiveness and reconciliation are the only logical way I can see to heal the wounds in our society.

The Way Out of Madness

I believe it was Martin Luther King who said "The curve of the universe is toward Justice." and Gandhi who told us to look back at history when we despair and see how "the way of truth and love has always won" in the end. Indeed, Love is the foundation of human society, so how it be any other way.

It is utter madness to me, all the violence and hatred that is infecting us. A pandemic of Madness on a scale that has scarce been seen in the annuals of human existence. But the cure does exist. In all its many forms, it has existed since the beginning. However unrefined it may be at this point in history, it has caused the collapse of empires and the restructuring of societies. Always has this cure been based on love, never on hate or apathy. This cure has been wielded by the greats of history to make their worlds better. The Plebeians of Athens used it to bring greater equality to their city. Jesus wielded it against the Romans and the corrupted officials of his land. Buddha used it against the corruption he saw in his own society. Gandhi used it in India, MLK used it in America.
The way out of Madness, the cure to the sickness of hatred is to embrace the love that all human organization and life is built upon. Understanding why this is, is the quintessential necessity behind vaccinating future generations against the diseases of the soul that our world is experiencing.

The way out of Madness is not just an idealistic approach, it is entirely practical. Humans are hard-wired to love, to want to be together, and to live for each other. This is the reason that isolation is a universal punishment across human societies.
Many will throw out examples of people who fail to live up to this ideal, i.e. misanthropes, psychopaths, etc. Unfortunately, there are many people who are so damaged by their experiences, so unable to cope with the horrible situations they are in, that they have fallen for false logics which compel them to do yet more damage to themselves and those around them. To heal these we must not ostracize them or isolate them, we must embrace them and show them the love that every human deserves. This is the idea behind rehabilitation prisons, and why punitive prisons consistently fail to prevent crime. The design of human nature makes this an inevitable fact.

The way out of Madness encompasses non-violence, as violence will only enrage and firm up the will of one's opponent. Violence will only drive a wedge between brothers and force them to believe each other to be less than human. Indeed, the way out of Madness is to believe that we are all humans and treat each other with the dignity that all humans deserve.

The full breadth of the way out of Madness is so expansive that it could not be contained within an entire encyclopedia set. But it can be boiled down to its essence, which is The Golden Rule.
Love all as you would have them love you.

The Small Things in Life

It is my sincere belief that everything, and I do mean everything, is interconnected. I have come to the conclusion that whatever I do, even if I do nothing, it will affect the way the world is, even if it is a very small affect. Still, I think people underestimate the importance of the small things in life. One of my favorite quotes from Gandhi was "It is always the small things that catch your breath." Looking at my life, I can see the wisdom of his statement. There may be a few major things that have affected me, but more often it is the accumulation of small experiences that build into something more. I have hundreds of memories of small things that people did which have had an incredible impact on me and my thinking. I remember someone making this statement expressing sadness over a relative's actions, "The greatest sin is to intentionally hurt someone else." Now, if I was to venture a guess, the person who said this probably completely forgets saying it, and doesn't realize the incredible impact it has had on me. There have also been a few times in my past when I have been walking around, feeling kind of down for whatever reason, and someone I am walking by smiles at me. It is amazing how such a simple act can raise my spirits. I doubt they would remember smiling at a stranger, but I certainly remember their kindness. In fact, these small acts have had a lasting impact on who I am.
If I universalize this principle (i.e. assume that people would react the same way I do when confronted with similar circumstances), then I am struck by the impact that the smallest action can have one others. Doing small, seemingly unimportant things may not give one the sense of accomplishment or appear on the surface to be important , but I think they are actually more important than the large things we do in life. It is, of course, wonderful to make a point of doing something good for others, like volunteering or giving a donation... but I put more stock in how people act towards others on a daily basis. That is a much more effective way to improve the world, since it is, afterall, becoming the change you wish to see. So, don't underestimate the impact your smallest actions can have on the lives of others. I remember one part of the 6th book of Harry Potter, where Dumbledore was trying to explain to Harry why he had the choice to fight Voldemort or not. He was saying that despite the prophecy, it was always his choice. Harry likened it to having the choice between being dragged into a gladiatorial arena to fight, or walking with your head high into the arena. Many people would not believe there was much difference, and that there was no real choice since you have to fight whoever or whatever is in that arena. But, there is a choice. We have a choice about how we confront the obstacles life throws at us, and how we chose to deal with them does, in Harry's words "make all the difference."

I have also noticed that small things have a way of coming back to you. Since they can have such a large impact on others, they can reverberate through social networks like a wave. Making people feel better makes them more likely to make others feel better, and that makes others more likely to make others feel better... which means that you will inevitably be hit by successive waves of small things that make you feel good if you do good things. Of course, anger and hatred work the same way. Being mean to someone can reverberate through the community just as easily, and come back to bite you. Atleast, that has been my experience, and the findings of my countless observations of those around me.
This brings me back to everything being interconnected. It is an inescapable and omnipresent fact of reality... atleast reality as I have observed it. This is not only true of our actions, but our ideas and mindset are just as interconnected. That is one reason that I am not especially fond of single-issue advocacy groups. Social problems are all connected, you can't fight poverty without fighting environmental destruction. You can't fight for democracy without fighting to stop racism, sexism, and other prejudices. You can't fight for peace without fighting for democracy. And so on and so forth.

My excessive amounts of contemplation on these theoretical issues have provided some practical value. I not longer take it for granted that what I do does not matter, and I have tried to become constantly conscious of how my actions can impact others.