Reconceptualizing Masculinity

Excerpt from my contribution to an email thread on the sds Men's Auxillary listserv:
Hey guys,
this is an awesome thread, and thank you both so much for putting yourselves out there like that, it is really inspiring. I hope the thread continues after my addition to it.

To throw my two cents in about the difference between objectification and attraction: I think objectification is one-dimensional physical attraction that tricks us into making an effort to dehumanize the person being objectified (through thinking of them simply as a body, or a body part or through not thinking about the impact of the situation on them, etc.) Attraction, on the other hand, is about the whole person. When I am attracted to someone, it is more than just their physical appearance, it is their personality and mind. Through observing the way I am feeling about someone, I have literally seen myself find them more physically attractive as I get to know them and find them to be more mentally awesome. And I have seen the reverse of that too, I have found unpleasant people become less physically appealing to me as I get to know them.

I have come to see that claims of being horny and wanting to get laid are a socially acceptable way for men to express their loneliness. Getting with someone for a short period of time, while alot of fun, is so fleeting it. It also lacks the emotional depth that I have found in long-term, loving relationships... and I cannot express in words the incredible feeling of fulfillment that I get from that.

One strategy I have found, that has helped me a great deal, is to interpret my sex-drive not just as an impulse to have sex but as an impulse to emotionally connect with a partner. I am so SOOOOOO much happier for it. Instead of focusing solely on sex, like I used to, I now focus on building a strong emotional bond and sense of understanding between me and my partner (which has the added side effect of making the sex much better, especially when you know someone well enough to be able to read their emotions and extrapolate what is going on in their heads). Now my refocused sex drive pushes me to fight the objectification of people in my mind and work really hard at getting to know them and connect before I go to bed with them.
That has been one way I have been challenging the negative ways I am socialized, and reconceptualizing my masculinity.

Sorry this is already a long email, but I am going to address the point of hypersexualization. I see the way our culture teaches men to be hypersexualized as an oppression, one that causes harm to both men and women. Feeling that I have to act hypersexualized to live up to my identity as a man has really messed with me and my relationships. I would also venture to say that women are taught to be hyposexual (something that awesome classes like FemSex fight against by teaching women about female sexuality). These cultural conditionings need to be changed from what seems like a predator/prey relationship between men and women to something more akin to a symbiotic relationship (gotta love analogies from biology class).

My guess as to why so many people condemn sexual activity is that they see the problems that arise from hypersexualization and think that discouraging sex will prevent it (this does not seem to be an effective strategy). Also from a functionalist point of view, before condoms and effective birth control existed, too much sex created too many babies which could destabilize societies, so these societies responded by developing customs to decrease the amount of sex people had.

Some questions to throw out there in the hopes this convo will continue.
*What are some nasty situations people have had that were caused/exacerbated by these issues?
*What are some effective ways people have found to reconceptualize mascuility/male sexuality and live healthier lives?
*How would an ideal feminist guy act in a relationship and treat their partner? How would he start the relationship? Has anyone managed to try this stuff? Lets hear some success stories!
*Men are socialized to not show emotions, how does this interact with hypersexualized male sexuality? How does it affect you?


Lets get some more voices out here, even just talking about this stuff is healing in itself.

peace and love
Will
Berkeley sds

Love 6: A Search

Ok, I promise this is the last blog post on love.
I found a quote that managed to articulate what was still nagging me in this love train of thought. Those moments - when I find others perfectly articulating my thoughts when I cannot - are very special and take my breath away.

"You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly." - Sam Keen

There is such beauty in that phrasing. I understand how people can love deeply flawed people, how even after severe heartbreak forgiveness can overtake one's heart. Love grows anew like the stubborn forest after the fire. With gripping roots intact, it sprouts news trunks, branches and leaves. I understand how abused women can stay with their men. Because love is that powerful, it can and does make people do things that would objectively be against their self-interest. It forces forgiveness upon even stubborn hearts and sews up the deep gashes of heartbreak.

I think I understand now, that she never loved me fully. She was searching for the perfect person, and it was the doubt that I was not he which drove us apart. If she had truly loved me, then she would have seen me as perfectly as I saw her despite the fact that we are both quite imperfect. I fear that most people do not understand this concept. Love does not just develop on its own accord, it is a choice, whether conscious or unconscious. I cannot exactly articulate why it is a choice or exactly what that choice is, the best I can explain is that it is a choice between selfishness and selflessness. Selfishness is to fear the opportunity cost of love, while selflessness is to embrace love. I remember making the choice, to really throw myself into it and love not just for myself, but for her. It may have bought me heartache, but it has brought me more happiness than I can express. Even in the midst of love's melancholy there is a wellspring of joy.

I daresay that I hope to never find the perfect person. I never want to be burdened with a search for them, I think it would be like passing through the fires of hell. As Bob Dylan wrote in his song "Abandoned Love": "The pot of gold is only make believe. The treasure can't be found by men who search." No, I am arrogant enough to hope to be blessed a second time with seeing an imperfect person perfectly.

Love 5: And to bleed willingly and joyfully.

The following is an except from Kahlil Gibran's "The Prophet" from http://www.geocities.com/Athens/5484/Gib02.htm

"

Then said Almitra, "Speak to us of Love."

And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said:

When love beckons to you follow him,

Though his ways are hard and steep.

And when his wings enfold you yield to him,

Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.

And when he speaks to you believe in him,

Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.

Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,

So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.

He threshes you to make you naked.

He sifts you to free you from your husks.

He grinds you to whiteness.

He kneads you until you are pliant;

And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,

Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,

Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.

Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;

For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God."

And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.

But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:

To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.

To know the pain of too much tenderness.

To be wounded by your own understanding of love;

And to bleed willingly and joyfully.

To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;

To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;

To return home at eventide with gratitude;

And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips."

I am always in awe of the wisdom I find in The Prophet. That passage articulates so many of my feelings. If my experiences in the last six months have taught me anything it is this: "And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course." I had my fill of futilely trying to direct my heart, now I have just become resigned to it being out of my control. I hope never to put myself through that frustration again. Another great line is "And to bleed willingly and joyfully." That is the approach I have taken. Reveling in the pain of love lost. And I am much happier for it.

The most insightful line, though, is "But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure." Love is not just about the joys... it is far more than that. It brings a cornucopia of emotions that will turn one's life upside down. Life is incomplete without the complications and problems love causes. And to expect love to be easy and not to require effort is folly and will cause relationships to become unbalanced and slowly eat away their foundation.

Love 4: The Shining Revolution

Seeing myself as part of a larger whole makes generosity more than just a pleasant interaction, it makes it... I don't know, just make sense. It seems like the natural way to act. What is the point of life, if not to give. And so, my life is dedicated to the benefit of all others, who, in reality, are all part of me. I want us to be happy and liberated of the tyranny we impose upon ourselves. To live in a mutually-supportive society that does not follow the fools gold of false logics. To embrace love and spread security. To face evil and punch it square in the jaw with the fist of love. What I really want a revolution that shines.
Now that would be truly irresistible, as the author of a book I just read put it (The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne). That is where embracing love has lead me, and will led the world, to a different social system that does not claim its foundation to be greed and selfishness. A shining revolution will cast the light of love and joy on the dark places in the world. To set a floodlight on the twin oppressions of capitalism, poverty of possessions among the poor and poverty of the spirit among the rich. Oh, how they will quiver and scurry at the rays of light we cast upon them.
But enough with metaphors, a shining revolution will be one of generosity of love. It will be of people living acting differently in their daily lives and embracing love. At the center of it will be education, teaching about love, compromise, conflict resolution, and the nature of humanity. Put simply, living for each other in a direct way instead of the indirect way we live for each other now. Fighting with love and compassion. Having the courage to forgive our "enemies" and try to understand each other. All this is very general because it is up to everyone to decide how it will manifest itself, I am merely citing themes that I have seen in my most splendid visions of it.

A shining revolution would be positively contagious. Joy and love are among the most pathogenic emotions, even consuming the most immune of hearts. No one could evade this plague if enough people become infected. I have noticed this first hand, in the effects of my interactions with other people. When I am happy, which is most of the time, I am a veritable Typhoid Mary. When I am generous, people start acting more generous. I don't see how people can not see how powerful this is. A revolution that embraced this way of being would have more power than any government could handle. If we want our revolution to really change the wheel and win us a different way of life, than it has to be a revolution of love, one that shines and draws people like ants to food. Because it WILL be food, food for the souls of the starving and destitute populace who are hungering for the meaning and fulfillment that material consumption and meaningless work can never bring.